The Second Launch: When Your College Grad Leaves Home for Good
How parents can survive and even thrive during this empty nest transition
You survived the college move-in, the tearful parting, the long September until Parents’ Visiting Day. You endured late-night fears and what-ifs and struggled to quell your catastrophic thinking. You crept past your child’s empty room, a stark reminder of their absence.
The loss and longing were palpable, ever-present.
The First Launch
The empty nest is given that name for a reason: parents experience a sense of emptiness and loss when their child first leaves for college. It is a complicated time, filled with grief, worry, and sometimes, even relief. But you most likely adapted to the empty nest, along with your child’s absence from home, a much narrower definition of parenting, and their increasing autonomy.
You probably learned to ask fewer questions, keep your opinions (mostly) to yourself, and limit the frequency of your phone calls. Such fleeting contact might have seemed like a starvation diet, though, when compared to the richness of daily life together for 18 years. Summers and school breaks offered a reprieve, with a return to normalcy. Your child was home again! Yet the rules had changed as this adult/child jostled for independence and refused to abide by curfews and constraints.
It was not all bad, though. You might have noticed some perks: lower grocery bills, less clutter, and quiet evenings at home. The burden of constant vigilance — about their whereabouts and moods and late-night escapades — was finally lifted. No longer immersed in day-to-day parenting, you found more time for yourself, and perhaps, new friends and interests. A new normal had emerged; you had adapted… and even flourished.
The Second Launch
And then, boom! You are blindsided by the second launch; your child has become a fully independent adult.
College was just a dry run; this is the real thing.
After a joyful graduation and an exciting job offer or professional/graduate school acceptance, they hurl themselves headfirst into the adult world. You knew this was coming, and are, in fact, proud and relieved and grateful. But you face the bittersweet, aching awareness that they are truly on their own. No more Spring Breaks and extended visits between semesters. No more assumptions that they will return for the Holidays. That chapter has ended. Your child has truly “fled the nest.”
A new rhythm and pace emerge, forcing you to adapt once again.
As a clinical psychologist, I have witnessed the struggles and the transformation parents experience as they grapple with this life transition. I have also weathered the ups and downs of the second launch. as my adult children have grown and flown.
The following are tips and some surprising approaches to this new phase of life.
1. Acknowledge that this new reality is a transition for you… not just for your child.
Amidst the hoopla of graduation and excitement about their new trajectory, accept that you might harbor some mixed feelings. You may be thrilled about their new opportunities, but feel unmoored and adrift, reeling with grief over your increasingly narrow role in their lives. No more extended visits home between semesters or Summer break. They have a “real” job with limited vacation time… and they might not always choose to spend it with you.
You might even feel envious of families whose adult children have returned home. According to a Pew Research Center survey, one-third of young adults in the U.S. live with their families; even more remain at home in other countries. Yet, your child has chosen a more independent path. Give yourself time to heal your sense of loss and recognize that you will move through it and adjust.
2. New, unexpected worries may arise.
College life provided an umbrella of support through campus organizations, health centers, and deans who looked out for students. Now, your child will be on their own without a safety net. How will they adapt to a new city? Will they feel lonely? What if they don’t make it in their new job? Will they remember to pay their bills or get their car inspected?
You will just have to trust them. Remind yourself that they are prepared to move forward and will survive and thrive — just like you did at their age.
3. Trust that you will weather this transition — just like other life changes.
This transition is not unlike many others. Your own launch toward independence as a young adult. A career. Marriage. A newborn. Aging parents. All part of the changing landscape and filled with tough choices, intense emotions, and sometimes, regrets. Yet you adjusted, learned from your mistakes, found new adaptations, and thrived. You will this time, too! But don’t hesitate to reach out for support as you weather this transition — from family, friends, and even a licensed mental health professional, if needed.
4. The second launch may spark your own life review.
When you are no longer immersed in daily childcare (including the time spent worrying, planning, and thinking about your child’s welfare), you are left with time to reflect on what is meaningful to you. Take advantage of this new freedom and rediscover long-suppressed interests… or find new ones. You might change your career goals, finally write that novel, enroll in classes, volunteer, travel widely, or work out nagging problems in your marriage. For the first time in more than 20 years, you can focus on yourself as a priority.
5. Welcome a new relationship with your adult child!
Your child is now self-sufficient. As they mature and no longer feel compelled to fiercely protect their privacy and sense of autonomy, they may become more forthcoming and expressive. A new sense of camaraderie unfolds — familiar (like the closeness your share with your spouse/partner or friends), but even better in some ways.
The bond you share with your child is like no other. You now have an adult relationship with this precious being you have treasured since they first emerged into this world.
Every leap forward — from your child’s first step to kindergarten entry to driving a car — was coupled with both joy and the bittersweet awareness of time passing. That cute, cuddly toddler, who begged for just one more story at bedtime, now shrugs when you hug them and prefers time with their friends.
Yes, of course, they love you, but their healthy and developmentally normal drive toward autonomy changes the dynamics. And despite your grief, remind yourself of their progress, your excitement about their path ahead, and your relief as you relinquish the reins. Remind yourself that this is a problem you want to have!
You might still worry sometimes, but you have no choice other than to trust that they will take care of themselves. A burgeoning reciprocal and more equitable relationship between you and your child is emerging. Enjoy this new life phase with your adult child!
A similar version of this article was published on Medium on June 16, 2023. For more of my articles about health and wellness, join me there: https://medium.com/@gailpostphd.
Disclaimer: Please note that my articles are for informational purposes only and are not to be taken as mental health or medical advice. If you are in need of personal guidance, please reach out to mental health professionals in your community.