Welcome to Gifted Parenting: A Checklist of Emotions
Parents of gifted or twice-exceptional children often discount their own emotions. It's time for that to stop.
Surprise! Your child is gifted.
Or maybe it wasn't such a surprise. Perhaps you saw the signs from an early age: the precocity, the early language acquisition, the endless questioning, the obsession with everything LEGO. Regardless of whether there was any warning, it is a shock, a joy, and a bundle of anxiety all wrapped in a bow.
Welcome to gifted parenting!
As you grapple with decisions about schools and advocacy or search for books/classes/activities that engage your child's passions, you might notice that your own emotions surge at unexpected times. These emotions nag at you when your child seems bored at school or is misunderstood and their intentions disparaged. Anxiety swells as you lie awake, worrying about your child’s future. Fear, envy, pride, resentment, disappointment, anger, and bitterness are no strangers to parents of gifted children.
Unfortunately, there is very little attention to the parent’s experience in the research literature, as I found when writing my book, The Gifted Parenting Journey:
“A Google Scholar search of the emotional and psychological adjustment among parents of gifted children uncovered only a few studies. Instead, most articles targeted the parent’s perceptions of their child’s adjustment or how parenting behavior affected their gifted child.”
Nevertheless, parents of gifted children are well aware of how their experience raising a gifted or twice-exceptional child is different from the norm.
So many emotions
The first step toward coping with these complex emotions is to identify them.
Which of the following seem familiar to you?
___ I worry about my child's ability to fit in with other kids.
___ I resent the amount of extra energy I have to expend to engage my child's academic needs.
___ I am angry that the school offers few (if any) gifted services.
___ I feel embarrassed when my gifted child is so immature; sometimes they act as if they are years younger than their actual age.
___ I am tired of being treated like a pushy parent just because I ask for more challenging work for my child.
___ I envy other families whose kids seem so "normal."
___ I am frustrated that my child exerts little effort and is coasting through school; they are wasting their potential and the school overlooks this.
___ I wish I could show my enthusiasm and pride over my child's accomplishments and not worry that others might think I'm bragging.
___ I resent it when others think my child's abilities result from me pushing and prepping them. If anything, I am just along for the ride… and trying to keep up!
___ I resent that I have to do all of the work sorting out college options and that the school offers little guidance
___ I feel angry toward relatives who don't get it and minimize my concerns about my child.
___ I feel guilty that I don't want to do all of this advocacy work in the schools or that I don’t want to homeschool them.
___ I feel in awe of my child sometimes; I can't believe they can accomplish some of the amazing things they do.
___ I worry that I am not doing enough to push them to succeed.
___ I also sometimes worry that I am pushing them too much and it will backfire.
___ I feel heartbroken when my child is excluded from social events because they are so "different" from their peers.
___ I wish I could just relax and trust the schools to do their job.
___ I worry that they never will be happy, that they will always will feel so different from others, and will have trouble finding friends, a spouse or partner, and a job that is truly meaningful.
Do some of these sound familiar? Okay... most of them?
Parents of gifted children often struggle in silence with emotions that evoke guilt and shame. This is heightened when others imply that they should feel grateful about their child's abilities. After all, high IQ should be a ticket to happiness, Harvard, and any job they want. Right? Well, not exactly! Such myths and stereotypes only compound the stress involved with raising a gifted child.
Parenting an intense, curious, and reactive child, who may be asynchronous, highly sensitive, and out of sync with peers, is not easy. Constantly advocating for academic needs is demanding and overwhelming. And although intelligence certainly offers many advantages, it is no guarantee of success, joy, or admission to the college of their choice.
What you can do
Parents of gifted or twice-exceptional children benefit from accepting the challenges of the road ahead. You're in it for the long haul, so get the support you need. The following may help:
1. Learn as much as you can about gifted children, gifted education and parenting. The more you know, the more you will understand about what you and your child are experiencing. It will normalize, validate and provide much needed information. A few of the well-known publishers of books about giftedness include Gifted Unlimited Press, Prufrock Press, GHF Press, and Free Spirit Publishing. And some great online information sites include NAGC, SENG, Hoagie's Gifted, GHF, and Davidson's. A variety of podcasts are also available. Get informed!
2. Find or start your own gifted parenting support group. These provide support, mutual understanding, and validation rarely found elsewhere. They provide a venue for shared information about what works and what doesn't within the schools, and a powerful tool for advocacy. Online groups are available on some social media sites, also, which can provide support and validation. (See my article, though, about your child’s privacy and sharing confidential information online.)
3. Take care of yourself. This goes for every parent, of course, but don't forget to find time for enjoyable activities, relaxation, and fun and silliness with your child. Learn stress management techniques for when you need them, and make time for friends, your partner or spouse, and enriching, meaningful activities. Your child also will benefit from you as a calm, happy parent.
4. If you haven't already realized it, please know that EVERY emotion listed on the above checklist is normal, understandable, and widespread among parents of gifted children. It is understandable to feel angry, alone, resentful and sad about these challenges. Accepting this reality may help with the guilt and the sense of isolation that accompanies some of these feelings. Get the support you need from those friends and family who truly "get it," other parents of gifted children, and gifted parenting support groups. Don't allow these emotions to overwhelm and interfere with the joy you might otherwise experience with your child.
Thank you!
I also want to thank those of you who recently participated in a survey study that Dr. Kali Fedor and I initiated that focused on the parents’ experience raising gifted or twice-exceptional children. We will share the results once the data is analyzed and submitted to a research journal for publication.
What were some of your surprise emotions as a parent? Let us know in the comments section below.
Some parts of this article was previously published in 2018 in my blog, Gifted Challenges.
I also want to put in a shameless plug for state-wide gifted and talented organizations. Some of these focus mostly on GT education. But some such as the Minnesota Council for Gifted and Talented (www.mcgt.net) and the Illinois Association for Gifted Children (www.iagcgifted.org) provide many local resources and connection opportunities for parents and children.
Great article and very important guidance - thank you! I lost myself trying to support my gifted child's journey and now see I sacrificed my own sanity oftentimes. A lot of personal work has helped me see this and regain my footing as a stronger person, mother and wife.