Welcoming Chaos for the Holidays

Embracing uncertainty and chaos for the holidays can curb the inevitable stressors and disappointments.

Image: Pexels/Fauxels

With Thanksgiving in the US looming next week — and the December religious traditions not far behind — many cringe at the thought of navigating the everpresent levels of stress and disappointment.

Each year, we are bombarded with idyllic images of the holidays. Visions of shiny presents. Fantasies of joyful family reunions. Holiday soundtracks piped into every store. Glittering Christmas displays that started well before Halloween. Everyone seems to be having a blast at holiday parties or sipping cocoa with loved ones by a crackling fire.

And then, there’s the rest of us.

All of this so-called Holiday cheer leaves many of us drained, disappointed, and guilty for just… not feeling it.

Many people endure miserable family gatherings, rack up debt, feel alone and alienated, or feel overwhelmed by additional commitments. Hallmark images of family perfection remind us of what we don’t have (or never had). Sadness and grief are amplified for those already suffering from loss or worrying about loved ones in harm’s way. Complex emotions, such as guilt, envy, or regret, catch us by surprise.

And this year, after the recent US election, tensions and divisiveness among family members may run high.

In fact, an American Psychiatric Association survey found that ⅓ of people anticipate a stressful holiday season. And it is often worse for those struggling with mental illness or substance abuse. According to the National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI), 64% of people with a mental illness report an increase in symptoms during the holidays.

As a psychologist, I see this in my clinical practice every year.

You’ve likely heard the self-care basics: exercise, sleep, good nutrition, and time to relax. But we can dig much deeper. We can notice, challenge, and ultimately transform our expectations — along with those nagging beliefs that cause us heartache and misery. We can envision a new perspective and start to truly enjoy the holidays.

Embracing chaos

Perhaps it is time to embrace the unexpected. To assume family disagreements, loneliness, and dashed hopes will prevail. To embrace and lean in to chaos and uncertainty and disappointments as both normative and as opportunities for learning and personal growth.

Not an easy task, of course, especially when we really want things to work out!

Accepting uncertainty and welcoming disappointment seems counterintuitive. Yet, tackling situations head-on without preconceived notions and rigid expectations can free us to accept and even thrive when disappointments occur. We start to see ourselves as more capable, more resilient, and more forgiving — toward both ourselves and others.

“If we gradually increase our capacity to be present with our pain and the sufferings of the world, we will surprise ourselves with our growing sense of courage,” writes spiritual teacher, Pema Chodron in her aptly titled book, Welcoming the Unwelcome. She describes habitual patterns of behavior that trap us into self-defeating reactivity. Although “we can’t predict what will come up next, or how we will feel about it, we can do something about how we react.”

Approaching the holidays with an open mind

The holidays present us with an opportunity (some might even say, “a gift”) for trying out some new approaches. The following are a few ideas for challenging expectations, greeting the holidays with an open mind, and cultivating a willingness to embrace whatever chaos arises.

1. Commit to being present in the moment and tackling each situation as it unfolds.

Mindfulness techniques can help, as they ask us to notice our thoughts, feelings, and physical sensations without judgment and without automatically responding to them. Psychiatrist and mindfulness researcher, Judson Brewer, reiterates Pema Chodron’s admonition that entrenched habit patterns and unhealthy responses to anxiety perpetuate suffering. In his book, Unwinding Anxiety, he guides readers to approach life in this uncertain world by accepting and leaning into anxiety and using strategies to calm the body and mind.

2. Enlist others to help.

Some of our holiday burdens stem from a stubborn refusal to ask for help or to delegate tasks. Challenging your expectations about what you can handle and finding alternatives can alleviate some of the pressure. Practice saying “no” when obligations become too much. If a visiting family member asks how they can help, take them up on it! Someone else can do the dishes or run to the store. And if no one offers to help, consider asking for their assistance.

3. Lighten your load.

Take stock of your expectations, preconceived notions, and any long-standing, unhealthy assumptions about what being a “good” parent or partner or family member means. Try some of these well-regarded strategies for challenging negative thinking and unreasonable expectations. Discard traditions and routine tasks that persist over time but have lost their meaning or urgency. Perhaps you won’t bake those holiday cookies. You might not send out holiday cards until mid-January; in fact, you might not even send them at all.

4. Pick your battles… er, options.

You don’t have to control every situation. The holiday table can be imperfect. You might back out of commitments where you know your child will implode with exhaustion or boredom. You might set a budget for gift-giving and not go past it. If the house is messy, so be it. And as battles go, refrain from arguing about politics at the dinner table (which never goes well.)

5. Change the script and envision what a great holiday might look like.

Plan to enact what is most meaningful, uplifting, and joyful, and notice how you feel when you imagine a new and different version of the holidays. Does traveling with family or friends for a much-needed vacation seem idyllic? Does renting a getaway cabin in the woods fill your heart with warmth? Do traditions you routinely observe, such as attending the Nutcracker or midnight Mass energize you… or fill you with boredom and dread? If there are limits to what you can change, try to find some small part that is meaningful and plan on it.

6. Remind yourself of your resilience.

We have all had lousy holidays. You, too, have probably weathered a stressful one in the past, filled with arguments, loneliness, or even tragedy. Yet, you endured. You used whatever coping tools you had available and moved beyond the negative experience. This year, even if the holidays bring chaos and unwelcomed stress*, remind yourself that you have coped with adversity before and will this time, too.

Welcome the unexpected. Welcome uncertainty. Embrace chaos when it befalls you.

You’ve experienced the unexpected before. In fact, I would suspect that some of your most treasured memories arose from the unexpected. When your partner first expressed their love for you. A surprise visit from an old friend. A breathtaking sunset on the beach. When your infant smiled at you with adoring eyes.

Holidays are like that, too. If you are open to the unexpected, you might experience a trove of surprises that far surpass any gift package. Even disappointments can have a silver lining — you learn more about yourself, discover your courage and resilience, and can use the experience as fodder for personal growth.

Wishing you strength, courage, and an unexpectedly wonderful holiday season!

*Please keep in mind that if stress becomes overwhelming or if you are experiencing symptoms of emotional distress, seek out the help of a licensed mental health professional. Here are tips for talking to a loved one who is distressed. In situations where suicidal thoughts arise, please contact your local hospital emergency department or call the national suicide hotline at 988 for guidance.

This article is similar to one previously published in 2023 on Medium.