What Do You Envy Most?

Why envy is such a troubling emotion. And what to do about it.

Apr 29, 2025

Envy is not pretty.

One of the darkest and most dispiriting of emotions, it plunges us into a powerful longing and leaves misery in its wake. We might strive for humility and acceptance, but sometimes, resentment and even rage take hold. How did my neighbor get so wealthy? Why is their child so well-behaved and mine acts out all the time? How the heck did he get that promotion?

Our discomfort with envy, though, is a valuable reminder that something is amiss; our reactions are out of sync with our values. And with this awareness, we can learn to harness this tough emotion and even turn it into a positive experience.

Why do we feel envy?

Envy arises when opportunities seem out of reach. When longing and reality collide. When unattainable aspirations and desires turn into despair and self-loathing. When we compare ourselves to others and resent their good fortune.

We question why we are not as successful (or attractive or wealthy or accomplished). We idealize or inflate the value of something we cannot attain, and overlook what is already wonderful about ourselves.

To feel envy, we “must be confronted with a person… or a possession, quality or achievement that has eluded us,” wrote psychiatrist and philosopher Neel Burton, who describes the conditions necessary for envy to develop. “Second, we must desire that something for ourselves. And third, we must be personally pained by the associated emotion.”

When envy takes hold

Envy starts in childhood.

I have vivid memories of envying other kids — those who were prettier or more athletic or seemed more confident and hailed from fun, raucous families. Of course, I realized much later that those popular kids harbored their own insecurities, and their fun families lubricated good times with a heavy dose of alcohol.

Envy is more likely to surface when we feel insecure, emotionally unfulfilled, or deprived, and then compare ourselves to others. Such comparisons intensify during times of deprivation and loss, but also during competitions. Any event involving awards or recognition invites comparisons and often reaches a frenzied pace when the stakes are high. The college admissions process, for example, or jostling for a promotion at work typically incite competitive rivalry.

Comparisons with others ultimately make us feel worse, though. “Social comparison has a significant association with depression and anxiety,” concluded psychology researchers Peter McCarthy and Nexhmedin Morina in their large-scale review of the available research.

When success seems undeserved

Feelings of envy are particularly strong when success seems undeserved — when we attribute someone’s good fortune to an arbitrary advantage (such as family connections that helped them land that job) or aided by inequities due to race or class status.

Envy is fueled even further when someone’s accomplishments or acclaim were achieved through nefarious means. It smacks of profound injustice when success is gained through manipulation, dishonesty, or hurtful practices that squelch another’s opportunities. We might abhor these tactics, but nevertheless, envy the bounty of their success.

When envy seems justified

When we cannot accept our own circumstances or feel gratitude for what we have, we are more likely to compare and assume others have it better. We might feel justified in our resentment, especially if we have endured a history of childhood abuse, poverty, racism, serious health conditions, or other hardships. When you have endured adversity, it is understandable to long for what seems like an easy life. The many TV series portraying wealthy families as highly dysfunctional are, no doubt, grounded in a widespread desire to see those more fortunate struggle just as much as the rest of us.

Perhaps, the animosity so prevalent across politically divided camps in the U.S. may be fueled, in part, by envy.

Is there anything positive about envy?

So here’s the good news; envy is not all bad.

Research “empirically supports the distinction between two qualitatively different types of envy, namely benign and malicious envy,” reported social psychology researchers, Neils van der Ven and colleagues. They differentiated malicious envy (which fuels bitterness, a desire for sabotage. or a wish to harm others) from benign envy (where envy is, instead, enlisted as a motivational tool).

When we believe that someone’s success is deserved, we might feel inspired by their accomplishments and strive toward achieving the same goals. In essence, we can grow through comparisons with others if we can manage our strong feelings and reactions.

In one study, marathon runners who viewed an elite athlete as a role model rather than a threat used their admiration to subsequently change their training and personal goals, reported social psychology researchers Jens Lange and Jan Crusius. “Dispositional benign and malicious envy” were predictors of envy in situations of “upward social comparisons,” where people compare themselves to someone they view as more capable or accomplished. “Dispositional benign envy predicted faster race performance of marathon runners... In contrast, dispositional malicious envy predicted race goal disengagement.”

In my book, The Gifted Parenting Journey, I suggested a third component to envy: a healthy acceptance that we cannot have everything we want, that life is not fair, and that sometimes, other people seem to have it better.

We all suffer disappointment, grief, and loss. Depending on the circumstances, we cannot always achieve something different. Sometimes, we must accept our unique circumstances and limitations. Finding contentment and acceptance, along with gratitude for our own good fortune, are an antidote to envy.

What can you do when envy strikes?

1. First, take a deep breath and recognize that envy is normal and often understandable.

Give yourself time to digest the emotion, sit with it, and just breathe. Accept your anger or grief or bitterness. Eventually, you will be able to move on and put it into perspective… or, at the very least, put it aside.

2. Approach feelings of envy as a reminder that something is out of sync.

Use discomfort as a warning sign that alerts you to challenge your attitudes and assumptions. It is time to switch gears, modify your expectations, and formulate more reasonable goals and beliefs. Of course, this takes some work, but this built-in “warning system” can lead you to question your beliefs and expectations.

3. Evaluate and question your assumptions.

Are your goals reasonable, attainable, and worth the effort? Can you learn to tolerate disappointment? Can you accept your imperfections? Could you put loss in perspective so that you can move on, find more realistic goals, and perhaps, forgive yourself for not meeting expectations? Do you let your negative feelings persist and torment you, or can you learn from them and achieve a level of compassionate acceptance toward yourself and others? What counts most is how you handle envy.

4. Consider your “attachment” to envy.

Even though envy feels lousy, we sometimes hold on to resentments or vendettas out of principle. Do you really want to keep feeling miserable, though? Do you want to waste your time feeling angry or denigrate yourself because of someone else’s accomplishments or good fortune? When you envy someone’s inherited wealth, for example, you might remind yourself that at least you can pay your bills. When you envy someone’s seemingly perfect body, you can, instead, appreciate your own unique beauty, along with how well your body functions every day. Holding onto envy only leaves you feeling miserable; it does not change the situation.

5. Use envy as a motivator.

When you admire someone’s accomplishments, strategically assess what they might have done to achieve success. There is no surefire path to happiness, wealth, health, or success; most involve effort, an attunement to your needs and limitations, and a disciplined pursuit of reasonable goals. Consider the backstory that led to their accomplishments. Your co-worker who landed that plum job most likely endured long work hours and some prickly bosses before securing this opportunity. Envy also can be a motivator that fuels much-needed societal change; when it stems from an injustice or a wrong that must be addressed, your underlying anger can serve as a catalyst for pursuing necessary changes.

6. Consider practicing mindfulness.

Research has pointed to malicious envy as negatively associated with both resilience and mindfulness. A mindfulness practice can keep you focused on what is present right now — for you, for your family, and for whatever is currently happening in your life. A mindfulness practice suppresses some of the strivings and longing for more that ultimately leave us feeling unfulfilled. Many apps, videos, and classes on mindfulness are available; find one that you like and are willing to try.

7. The most difficult challenge of all involves cultivating compassion toward those you envy.

We sometimes discount the possible hardships they may have endured. Keep in mind that achievements and success often carry a heavy burden. Wealthy families experience the same sadness and losses as everyone else. Olympic athletes who achieve fame sometimes endure crushing despair when their minute in the spotlight recedes. Once we recognize that we all share the same fears, sorrows, and hardships, it may be easier to cultivate compassion for others — and for ourselves.

Gail Post, PhD: A Psychologist's Perspective

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