Ten Sources of Relationship Stress among Gifted Adults
What blocks the connection you crave
Why would gifted people struggle in relationships?
After all, they can reason their way out of just about anything, have whip-smart minds, and can look at a problem from almost any angle. What gives?
Here’s the quick take: Just like gifted children, gifted adults are different from the norm. Their intensity, complexity, and deep-thinking minds don’t vanish once they turn 18.
Often acutely sensitive and highly attuned to the world around them, gifted adults still think outside of the box, grasp information at a faster pace, and hunger for intellectual stimulation.
But many have endured a childhood marked by social challenges — asynchronous development (where social maturity lagged behind intellectual strengths), a tendency to overthink their interactions, and an aching loneliness from feeling like a perpetual outlier.
As a result, many gifted adults missed out on the typical adolescent rites of passage and came late to the game when navigating relationships.
Here are some emotions and behaviors that can put a strain on relationships.
Do any of these fit for you?
1. Boredom
Gifted people have little tolerance for boredom. This doesn’t mean they will tire of their partner, but it may be harder to find someone who is both an appealing romantic interest and intellectually stimulating. Some gifted adults have a limited number of friends as a result, or have had fewer romantic relationships because of their selectivity. They just cannot tolerate the prospect of being bored. It’s a dealbreaker.
2. Impatience
Their capacity for quickly grasping information can lead to impatience and frustration with a partner or spouse who is not as capable. Angry, critical or sarcastic comments, a tendency to take charge, or a pattern of overlooking a partner's contributions can take a toll on any relationship. Sometimes gifted people might even seem arrogant when they become frustrated with others' more pedestrian pace. (They don’t mean to be arrogant — they just can’t accept a slower grasp of information.)
3. Pressure to succeed
The drive to achieve makes life more complicated. It can fuel an extreme, unrelenting focus on the task at hand, or harsh self-criticism when sometimes perfectionistic standards are not met. Individuals living with this internalized pressure may neglect their families and friends, value work over social/family relationships, and may be subject to mood swings and irritability.
4. Always needing to be right
Since gifted people usually excel at what they do, some may assume that they always know the correct answer, at least in those areas where they have expertise. A pattern may develop where they must be right in any debate. With their exceptional verbal skills, they can defend their point and relentlessly pursue an argument until they win, or until their opponent (i.e., their partner or spouse) gives up out of frustration.
5. Sense of isolation
Just as in childhood, some gifted adults feel relatively isolated. They view themselves as outliers with few true peers. Sometimes depressed, and often feeling misunderstood, they assume that they have little in common with the general population, and spend a substantial amount of time alone. If they are in a marriage or relationship, they may avoid communicating feelings they assume their partner will not understand.
6. Feeling awkward and insecure
Some gifted adults retain a self-concept from childhood, and feel like they are in middle school all over again. Their discomfort in social situations can lead to isolation and an avoidance of activities they might actually enjoy. Some may try to mask their fears or offer excuses (I have to work tonight again), but ultimately, their insecurities may limit their ability to find, form, and sustain friendships and relationships.
7. A need for alone time
Many gifted individuals are introverted and gain sustenance from time alone. Time to think can be restorative and fuel their creativity and inspiration. But partners or spouses may feel left out when their gifted partner retreats, and friends will become frustrated when social invitations are often declined.
8. Indulgence in offbeat or multiple interests
Since they grasp information with such complexity and depth, and are often multipotentialites, many gifted individuals plunge into varied and sometimes offbeat interests with a startling amount of passion and intensity. Training for a marathon, building a deck, or writing their first novel require intense drive and focus — something gifted people have in abundance. When they come up for air, though, they may notice a frustrated and angry partner who feels sidelined and ignored.
9. Oversensitivities
Many gifted adults also retain the heightened sensitivities and overexcitabilities that emerged in childhood. Spouses or partners who are less sensitive or reactive may become annoyed when their gifted partner is overwhelmed by too much sensory stimulation, becomes highly emotional, or needs to withdraw to regroup.
10. Existential depression
Gifted individuals may endure periods of existential depression as they grapple with what is meaningful and try to make sense of the world. Feelings of alienation, disillusionment and emptiness trigger a sense of despair — something increasingly common during these troubling political times. Existential depression takes its toll on partners of gifted adults as well, as they may feel powerless in their attempts to offer support.
Anyone can exhibit the above-mentioned behaviors. Gifted adults are not the only people who become impatient, bored, or question the meaning of life. But giftedness increases the likelihood that these patterns will unfold in adult relationships.
When both partners are gifted
Relationships become even more complex when both partners are gifted. Most people are drawn to friends and romantic partners whose IQ falls within a similar range. So both parties bring their emotional reactivity, sensitivity, impatience, and any of the above listed behaviors and coping strategies into the relationship. This may call for even greater self-awareness, improved communications skills, and empathy for each other's needs.
But here’s the good news
The above relationship hiccups are only a part of the puzzle. It’s not all bad. Most gifted people are, well, pretty cool. Creative. Intense. Passionate about what is most meaningful… which just might be you!
If you and your partner are gifted, relish the positives you both bring to the mix. Addressing some of the rough patches does not diminish the amazing, interesting, compelling reasons you are together in the first place.
In a future post, I will address approaches for managing relationship conflicts. Stay tuned!
Journal prompts:
What has worked for you in relationships with loved ones?
How have you grown and changed as you work on improving your relationships?
What feelings, situations, or fears interfere with tackling change?
How do I turn my gifted traits into something positive that will enhance my relationships?
Please share any ideas or tips in the comments section below. Thanks!
This article is an update of a similar post published ten years ago in Gifted Challenges.
I'm very fortunate. My husband and I met in physics lab my first year in college. (His 3rd). Our lab tables were adjacent, and after the first lab, both of our lab partners dropped out. So we repartnered with each other. It turned out that we had complementary problem-solving skills, and 3 years later (I graduated early) we married. It's been 57 years, and we're still good. I do think that that first year of partnered problem-solving was incredibly useful. I'd suggest that couples considering marriage do something similar--possibly try one or more "locked room" mystery scenarios, or work together on a home-improvement project. These things will highlight work-style differences and test how well you can overcome them.
Not spending enough time reflecting, reviewing, not getting enough sleep, being inconsistent with my eating habits (going long periods without eating), and not communicating effectively when l am under a lot of stress. Mainly stress, and not balancing my spiritual growth blocks the connections l crave.