From my personal 77-year-old point of view, the salient point is that failure at one task need not be generalized or accepted. Failing against one's self-perspective need not be considered failure as an adult, an athlete, or a woman—nor is it permanent!
Jill, thank you for sharing your thoughts about this. You comments about not generalizing failure experiences and how personal views of failure do not have to define us are so insightful. Thanks.
I think that if we are prepared to do some thing that risks a failure, where the outcome isn’t guaranteed and certain, then we have intentionally chosen courage.
So we don’t fail. We chose courage.
There’s a difference of course as Amy Edmundson’s work highlights with errors, mistakes and all that, but I got the sense from your piece we are talking about the identity impacting fails.
We don’t control the outcomes of our decisions often, but we do control the decision. And if we put the best of what life has afforded us in to making brave and values based decisions, then I don’t think we fail. I think we chose courage and realised an undesirable outcome?
So true! Your comment about how we can't control outcomes, but can control our decisions, is so important to keep in mind. Thank you, Caroline, for your helpful feedback.
So funny, I've always described myself as a "type b+" person 🤣 resistant to the type A pigeonholing that my nature sometimes gives people the impression of due to certain strains of perfectionism (exacting, discerning, always seeking improvement can be misrepresented as critical, judgemental and never satisfied-- I don't feel that's the case for me!)
So, nice to see research that backs up the B+ mentality ;)
Great framing of the dichotomies of failures, thanks for this!
I find Annie Duke's idea of "kill criteria" to be useful - pursue a goal or investment (of time, financial resources, etc) but upon setting the goal, also set "kill criteria." That way you proactively identify the conditions under which you will "quit" the endeavor/investment.
Thanks Gail! I truly appreciated reading your article. It’s an honest and deeply reflective exploration of failure. Your story about baseball reminded me that not every failure demands relentless effort to overcome. Sometimes, as you noted, it’s about recognizing limitations and focusing on pursuits that truly matter. That balance between acceptance and effort is a perspective many overlook.
Your insights about resilience and framing adversity as a challenge resonated deeply. I’ve experienced firsthand how perspective can either expand courage or diminish it. The idea of an internal locus of control was particularly striking - empowering us to see ourselves as orchestrators of our fate. At the same time, your acknowledgment of the pain involved in building resilience felt refreshingly authentic.
I found the “sweet spot” of learning fascinating. The 85% rule beautifully illustrates how growth thrives on challenges that are neither too easy nor overwhelming. It made me reflect on how often we either shield ourselves from discomfort or dive into impossible tasks, losing motivation. Your point about teachers and mentors shaping this balance was especially poignant - guidance can truly transform how we relate to failure.
What stood out most was your honest acknowledgment of failure’s darker side. The human capacity for rumination, as you described, often magnifies failure beyond its true scale. Knowing when to let go, as you pointed out, can be just as valuable as persistence.
Thank you for writing something so layered and thought-provoking.
Thanks for this nuanced meditation on failure. Like much of human experience, “it’s complicated” while at the same time recognizing that we tend to seek simplicity in understanding what it means to be alive in this world.
As you broadly illustrate, failure both serves us in some instances while for others May provide unhelpful disservice. An element to consider vis-à-vis failure is the larger perspective: “Why are we attempting something?” Does it have meaning to us personally? If not, then failure can be helpful in affirming something is not for us (as with you and baseball).
On a broader plane, it may be helpful to consider whether we are following the prevailing conceptions of success (and correspondingly, failure). If the idea of success is a fixed societal notion of “good schools, good grades, good degrees, good jobs, good partners and children, good homes, good status, etc.” (and these may be genuinely satisfying and fulfilling for many), if one’s personal mien does not fit that general construct, failure may become a dismal road of repeated inadequacies.
To fail in an environment for one not suited (or wired) can be a frustrating experience. It’s like a fish aspiring to climb trees.
Finding our own genuine paths within the constraints of the worlds into which we are born… that is the challenge that has always been the realm of humans. It’s reflected again and again in our stories, from Gilgamesh, Job, Odysseus, and Dante to the ancient folklore repeated in many cultures (e.g., The Ugly Duckling, Selkie stories) to Bilbo and Frodo, Annakin and Luke Skywalker, and Miles Morales (of the Spideyverse).
Thank you so much for your insightful perspective, Eric,! Such great points about how failures and accomplishments and striving are replicated in folklore over the centuries. Sometimes we are all so caught up in the current world of demands and presumed achievements, it is easy to get swayed to pursue expectations that may not be best for us.
First of all, thanks I love this article. Yes, I learned from mistakes , when I started a new business in 2007 , a bookstore including computers, software, hardware, pictures and so on, I made a lot of mistakes so much so I thought to give up because I did not have a good experience to deal with works that I had never been familiar with them before. However, I used to ask friends to work as a connection with those professionals”stakeholders” in return money of course was that. Finally I could adapt this challenges and had the full capacity to get over that.
From my personal 77-year-old point of view, the salient point is that failure at one task need not be generalized or accepted. Failing against one's self-perspective need not be considered failure as an adult, an athlete, or a woman—nor is it permanent!
Thank you for bringing up this thorny question.
Jill, thank you for sharing your thoughts about this. You comments about not generalizing failure experiences and how personal views of failure do not have to define us are so insightful. Thanks.
Ugh there’s typos. I can’t edit it. I’ve made a mistake!!! But I did not fail. 🫣😜🤣
I think that if we are prepared to do some thing that risks a failure, where the outcome isn’t guaranteed and certain, then we have intentionally chosen courage.
So we don’t fail. We chose courage.
There’s a difference of course as Amy Edmundson’s work highlights with errors, mistakes and all that, but I got the sense from your piece we are talking about the identity impacting fails.
We don’t control the outcomes of our decisions often, but we do control the decision. And if we put the best of what life has afforded us in to making brave and values based decisions, then I don’t think we fail. I think we chose courage and realised an undesirable outcome?
So true! Your comment about how we can't control outcomes, but can control our decisions, is so important to keep in mind. Thank you, Caroline, for your helpful feedback.
Wise minds think alike?
So funny, I've always described myself as a "type b+" person 🤣 resistant to the type A pigeonholing that my nature sometimes gives people the impression of due to certain strains of perfectionism (exacting, discerning, always seeking improvement can be misrepresented as critical, judgemental and never satisfied-- I don't feel that's the case for me!)
So, nice to see research that backs up the B+ mentality ;)
Great framing of the dichotomies of failures, thanks for this!
Thank you, Bee. I love your description of this as a B+ personality. That really fits! Something to strive for certainly.
I find Annie Duke's idea of "kill criteria" to be useful - pursue a goal or investment (of time, financial resources, etc) but upon setting the goal, also set "kill criteria." That way you proactively identify the conditions under which you will "quit" the endeavor/investment.
Thanks, Jeff. I never heard that term, but it's a good one to keep in mind. It's always good to have a sense of when to quit something.
Gail, I loved what Wasim said. This was "layered and thought provoking." A different take on an important topic.
Thanks, Paula. I appreciate your feedback, and also Wasim's comments!
Thanks Gail! I truly appreciated reading your article. It’s an honest and deeply reflective exploration of failure. Your story about baseball reminded me that not every failure demands relentless effort to overcome. Sometimes, as you noted, it’s about recognizing limitations and focusing on pursuits that truly matter. That balance between acceptance and effort is a perspective many overlook.
Your insights about resilience and framing adversity as a challenge resonated deeply. I’ve experienced firsthand how perspective can either expand courage or diminish it. The idea of an internal locus of control was particularly striking - empowering us to see ourselves as orchestrators of our fate. At the same time, your acknowledgment of the pain involved in building resilience felt refreshingly authentic.
I found the “sweet spot” of learning fascinating. The 85% rule beautifully illustrates how growth thrives on challenges that are neither too easy nor overwhelming. It made me reflect on how often we either shield ourselves from discomfort or dive into impossible tasks, losing motivation. Your point about teachers and mentors shaping this balance was especially poignant - guidance can truly transform how we relate to failure.
What stood out most was your honest acknowledgment of failure’s darker side. The human capacity for rumination, as you described, often magnifies failure beyond its true scale. Knowing when to let go, as you pointed out, can be just as valuable as persistence.
Thank you for writing something so layered and thought-provoking.
Wasim, Thank you so much for your very thoughtful review and sharing how it affected you!
Thanks for this nuanced meditation on failure. Like much of human experience, “it’s complicated” while at the same time recognizing that we tend to seek simplicity in understanding what it means to be alive in this world.
As you broadly illustrate, failure both serves us in some instances while for others May provide unhelpful disservice. An element to consider vis-à-vis failure is the larger perspective: “Why are we attempting something?” Does it have meaning to us personally? If not, then failure can be helpful in affirming something is not for us (as with you and baseball).
On a broader plane, it may be helpful to consider whether we are following the prevailing conceptions of success (and correspondingly, failure). If the idea of success is a fixed societal notion of “good schools, good grades, good degrees, good jobs, good partners and children, good homes, good status, etc.” (and these may be genuinely satisfying and fulfilling for many), if one’s personal mien does not fit that general construct, failure may become a dismal road of repeated inadequacies.
To fail in an environment for one not suited (or wired) can be a frustrating experience. It’s like a fish aspiring to climb trees.
Finding our own genuine paths within the constraints of the worlds into which we are born… that is the challenge that has always been the realm of humans. It’s reflected again and again in our stories, from Gilgamesh, Job, Odysseus, and Dante to the ancient folklore repeated in many cultures (e.g., The Ugly Duckling, Selkie stories) to Bilbo and Frodo, Annakin and Luke Skywalker, and Miles Morales (of the Spideyverse).
Thank you so much for your insightful perspective, Eric,! Such great points about how failures and accomplishments and striving are replicated in folklore over the centuries. Sometimes we are all so caught up in the current world of demands and presumed achievements, it is easy to get swayed to pursue expectations that may not be best for us.
First of all, thanks I love this article. Yes, I learned from mistakes , when I started a new business in 2007 , a bookstore including computers, software, hardware, pictures and so on, I made a lot of mistakes so much so I thought to give up because I did not have a good experience to deal with works that I had never been familiar with them before. However, I used to ask friends to work as a connection with those professionals”stakeholders” in return money of course was that. Finally I could adapt this challenges and had the full capacity to get over that.
Thank you, Raed, for sharing your experience with failure and what you learned from it!
🌹