Banish Mom Guilt
It starts with pregnancy... and then, gathers steam
It starts during pregnancy.
The worry and self-recrimination gather steam.
· Am I eating enough... or too much?
· Am I prepared, reading the right things, and knowledgeable about the latest parenting trends?
· What if I am a terrible mom?
Taking on one of the most meaningful and challenging roles of all — becoming a mom — can provoke endless questioning and insecurity. No matter how prepared you think you are, pregnancy raises doubts and fears.
As both a psychologist and parent, I have seen and experienced the insidious effects of guilt and worry. And it’s no picnic.
After the baby is born, the worries and guilt may skyrocket, with endless opportunities to compare yourself, your marriage, your parenting acumen, and even your child to those around you. And regrets and sadness persist when a perfect birth was not in the cards.
· Why am I so exhausted, when my friends seem to have boundless energy?
· When will my belly look flat again?
· Will I ever stop resenting my husband, who sleeps through the night and never seems to hear the baby crying?
· Why do I feel so unsure of myself? I had confidence at work, but don’t know what the heck to do with this tiny little person.
· Why isn’t my baby crawling yet? My friend’s daughter crawled a month sooner. I wonder if there is something wrong.
Despite parenting groups, online forums, supportive friends, and family advice, many young parents feel isolated and inept. They hide their fears and feel guilty when they struggle with insecurity or have negative feelings about being a parent. Many feel torn about their changing roles — and resent having to let go of their former self.
· Can I care about my career without worrying that it will detract from being a mom?
· Is it OK to want to stay home with my child and give up work altogether?
· What if I ignore the parenting “advice” from my family and in-laws? Will it cause conflict — or worse yet, what if they’re right and I’m wrong?
· I feel so guilty when I am bored sometimes, even though I love being with my child.
Guilt and worry often persist — even when your child matures
Even as children get older, the worries and guilt don’t necessarily disappear… they just morph into another form. As these little people get bigger, their needs, personalities, and vocabularies increase, too. The demands of parenting a toddler and pre-school-aged child are not easy.
· How do I control my rage when my child drives me over the edge? I am so ashamed that this tiny person can make me so mad.
· Why aren’t they talking as fluently as my friends’ children? Maybe there’s something wrong.
· Sometimes I wish my child didn’t have my shyness or dyslexia or lack of athletic ability... I worry that they will suffer at school, and even as an adult.
· I miss my old job and workplace status. I resent that others see me as “just” a mom and don’t take my opinions seriously.
The comparisons, worries, envy, and guilt don’t disappear once your child enters school. Grades, test scores, talent shows, auditions, and sports try-outs are just a few of the hurdles that loom, along with behavioral challenges such as temper outbursts at home, trouble at school and difficulty with their friends. Moms also compare themselves to other parents.
· Her kids never seem to talk back to her. How does she do it?
· Where does she get the energy to juggle a full-time job, volunteer at school, and keep her house clean?
· She seems so confident — always jumping in with great opinions at school meetings. Why can’t I have those creative ideas or confidence?
And, of course, worries escalate as your child enters adolescence. They even persist after college graduation, during the second launch.
Perhaps, for this Mother’s Day, it’s time to eradicate the pervasive worry and guilt that plagues so many of us.
What can you do to banish guilt for good?
The key is self-compassion.
Recognize that worry is a sign of your love and caring. If you didn’t care, you wouldn’t worry or feel regret. That doesn’t mean constant worrying, self-blame and guilt is a parenting requirement. It makes your life miserable, and can affect your children. They may sense your anxiety, and can become fearful and hold themselves back in deference to your worries.
Self-compassion involves the capacity to be kind and accepting toward yourself and willing to forgive your fumbles and imperfections. Self-compassion can reduce anxiety, shame, and worry and create a greater feeling of connection with others. It can foster increased compassion for others as well.
You can be a loving, empathetic, attentive and caring parent without the worry and guilt if you try the following:
1. Practice self-compassion and mindfulness. Some great tools are available online, including information from self-compassion and mindfulness experts Kristin Neff and Jon Kabat-Zinn. Many additional websites and apps are available that provide mindfulness techniques.
2. Recognize when your worries, guilt, or self-blame are based in reality, or fueled by unrealistic assumptions. For example, how likely is it that other parents are always calm, have children who never argue, and rarely struggle with self-doubt? Ask yourself if you would be as harshly judgmental toward a friend or loved one. Challenge your assumptions that other parents have it all figured out, that you don’t get it, or that you must be perfect as a parent.
3. Try to trace any unrealistic expectations back to their origin. Are they based on your own parents’ beliefs, books or online advice, fictional depictions of parenting, or expectations from friends, your spouse/partner, or family? Have you always doubted yourself or is there something unique to your role as mother that makes it more difficult? Once you understand what contributes to your worry or guilt, it may be easier to challenge and eliminate it.
4. Appreciate that self-compassion not only benefits you, but is a model for your child. If they see that you can accept your imperfections, and can forgive yourself and move forward, they will learn these skills as well. It also provides an example for developing greater acceptance of others.
If the above tools and suggestions are not sufficient, working with a licensed mental health professional may be the next step on the road to banishing mom guilt and finding that elusive self-compassion. While it is important to learn from our mistakes and take stock in what needs to change, unrealistic expectations, harsh self-blame, and obsessive worry can rob you of much of the joy of parenting.
Don’t let mom guilt get in the way of enjoying life as a parent and time with your child! And Happy Mother’s Day to all of you!
A similar version of this article was published on Parent.Co.
Thank you for another piece that gives perspective, insight, and helpful suggestions.
"Grades, test scores, talent shows, auditions, and sports try-outs are just a few of the hurdles that loom"
These can be markers of external achievement and status. Our culture heavily promotes these. And anyone learning to swim in this societal ocean can see them as the "correct" way to proceed, especially when trying to learn how to do the best for our kids. For 13 years I was a full-time dad and while I cannot hold the complete perspective of female caregivers, there is some overlap. I sensed and observed much of what you write about here (without entirely understanding it in a larger context, at the time). I was never fully subscribed to that pervasive pressure to show external "success" via my kids, yet I still felt it. Appreciate very much you offering ways for mothers to be kinder to themselves.
Thanks for the gentle reminders and encouragement to cultivate self-compassion, Gail! I hope you had a lovely Mother's Day.